Sweet, Elusive Sleep

As the parent of young children I am well acquainted with sleep deprivation.  In fact, there are times when a full  night's sleep takes on Arthurian proportions.  I ask people, "what do you mean you slept till 9am?" with the same inflection as, "what do you mean the sasquatch went through your trash?"  If you have young kids, you will not sleep; this is a fact of life, deal with it.

It took me a long time to come to terms with this.  And that struggle made me miserable.  Constantly fighting to get a nap from my even more exhausted wife, arguing over who got to sleep in.  It becomes far easier when you man up and realize that sleep is an elusive thing, and you will get reacquainted with it in ten or twelve years.  This does not, however, make the crying child at 2 am any easier to deal with.

On Dating

This is important ladies and gentlemen, so listen up.  When you have children, particularly young children, you need to have alone time with your spouse.  I do not mean the three minutes that you talk about your children while you lie in bed at night.  That time before your bodies collapse into unconsciousness from exhaustion doesn't count.  You need to go on a date! This is time for you and your partner to reconnect, to enjoy each other in a way that doesn’t involve a quick smile in the hallway as you pass each other, each of you chasing different kids. Go to dinner, go see a movie, go to a bookstore, something.  Even if you just walk around the mall, window shop, and eat homemade peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. If you absolutely can't get out of the house for a night, switch things up at home.  Turn off the television and play a board game, or cards, put on some music and dance, anything.  Just change things up and connect with your spouse.

Mia and I don't generally enjoy the mall, she doesn’t like sitting in a darkened movie theater, and we have no money, so unless we have a gift card to a restaurant we tend to go to museums or browse bookstores or the library. This is crucial time for our relationship and I am not understating things when I say that it has saved our marriage.  We both know couples who have neglected their relationship with each other in favor of focusing on their kids, and it never ends well.  This is particularly difficult with parents of a disabled child.  Among parents of children with autism, for example, the divorce rate is 90%.  Nine-zero.  These parents spend so much time trying to improve the life and well-being of their child that they lose sight of why they fell in love in the first place.

 This is why it is so important to date your spouse.  Woo them.  Rekindle the passion and fire in your hearts.  Remember why you fell in love and cherish that feeling.  It is important to your marriage. 

Thank you.

Dear Parent of a Child with Autism:

I just want to give you a simple message: You are not, and never have been devastated by your child.  Let me be even more blunt.  The only way your child can "devastate" you is by dying. 

Your child was born with autism.  God created him or her just for you.  There is nothing this child can do that you cannot handle.  In addition to that, you are crafted for this child.  YOU, no one else, is most capable to assist this child with any difficulties or struggles he or she shall face. 

You will be overwhelmed, you may find yourself disappointed at times, you may even feel like you just can't do it anymore.  But you can.  And once you accept where you are, and where your child is, you will find joy, sheer joy, at your small triumphs. 

Other moms will say "My son potty trained at 18 months."  Oh, yeah, well my son potty trained at 5 years.  And it was a lot harder to potty train my son than it was to train yours.  My accomplishment is bigger.  So there. 

Other moms will say "My daughter goes on so many play dates, she's so popular."  My kid has at least 1 good friend.  It is his best friend and he knows that his best friend is sensitive.  And his best friend knows that he gets upset at the Happy Birthday song and therefore never lets anyone sing it at his birthday party.   That accomplishment is all him, and I'm so proud of him for it.

Welcome to Holland, Baby (Autism Poem: Welcome to Holland).  The weather is just fine and we are enjoying ourselves.

Love,

A Very Proud Mother of an incredible Child who just happens to have Autism

A New Year

So I know that its been awhile since we've posted, but five kids will do that to you.  Since then we've had a modest Christmas and quiet New Year.  This Christmas was, like all Christmases, a source of stress for my wife.  She is constantly worried that Santa didn't bring enough.  This year was particularly tough, but it happens every year; even when Santa has loads of cash.  That being said, the joy of my children on Christmas morning was incredible.  Their excitement at the few gifts they got was proof that materialism is learned behavior.  Greed needs to be taught, and while we don't always succeed, we do a pretty good job of keeping them innocent of it.  Besides, my children are blessed with over-generous grandparents who insist on spoiling them.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year everyone.

The Fourth Boy

My Liam is special.  He is not like other boys.  He is gentle, never had any hitting or violence issues.  He was a quiet and easy toddler.  Our second child was a girl.  Then our third was a boy, a typical boy.  I didn't realize what it meant to be a boy until I found my 2 boys poised in on their hands and knees across the room from each other.  They then crawled as fast as they could straight towards each other until their heads cracked.  Literally cracked, like male goats having a territorial dispute.  Then they collapsed into giggle fits.  Once they composed themselves, they backed up and did it again.

Two years later, we had our fourth child, another boy.  I find a lot of broken things now.  My most common phrase these days: "No! That is NOT a toy!"

The curtains are not for climbing.

The stairs are not for sliding down, even though you somehow got your sled in the house.

You cannot swing from the blanket you tied to your curtain rod, bunk bed, door knob, cabinet, etc, etc, etc.

Just because you managed to climb up onto something 10 feet in the air does NOT mean that it is a good place to jump off.

We have just had our fourth boy this week.  I've met one family with 4 boys.  The mom told me her biggest challenge was how filthy they were.  They smelled and they constantly burped and farted everywhere they went.  I know her boys.  They are good boys.  But boyness, when combined, exponentially increases with the addition of each new male.  This includes their father.

I know I'm ready.  God wouldn't have given me 4 boys if I couldn't handle it.  And He also gave me my girl.  My one princess that I can look at after I put out the flames and stop the blood (sometimes literally).  She and I can escape and go for tea or manicures or shopping. 

But please, pray for me.  By my estimates, it will hit the fan in approximately 1.5 years from now.  It may be helpful to include my daughter in your prayers.  Thanks

On the Birth of a Son

So folks, I thank you for your patience.  It has been some time since I have posted because Eamon Charles McDonald has arrived.  He was a healthy 9 lbs on the dot, born the day after Thanksgiving at around 1:30 in the afternoon.  My family has expanded yet again. 

   This puts my average at a baby every two years and really leaves me feeling old.  We had Liam two months before I turned 21, and here I am, a month before my thirty-first birthday with five kids.  One of the things this does is give me a totally different perspective on everything from my peers.  Most of the people I went to high school with are young professionals, only just getting married, maybe having their first child.  I, on the other hand, have spent the last decade caring for small children.  While my friends were going to frat parties and cleaning up their own puke, I was cleaning up someone else's puke. While they were travelling around the world, I was changing diapers.  Which is the better path?  I don't know.  Is it better to have kids young, or live an adventure and save kids until later?  I couldn't say.  I only know that I have chosen; and though I sometimes see a post on facebook from a friend or relative in Italy or Australia, China or South America and get a little jealous, I know that for me the choice was right.  My children are my great adventure, my greatest accomplishment.

  In the end my gift to the world may not be a cure for cancer or the discovery of some previously unkown civilization, it may not be best selling books or blockbuster movies.  My gift is a generation of well-adjusted, intelligent men and women, who may very well go on to do all those things and more.

Why I am Always Late. Part 2

Part 2

Now knowing that I don't give myself allowances for error for my large number of children, why am I always late for everything?  Two simple reasons: I was always late before I had children (meaning that deep down I truly do not place a lot of importance on being on time), and the other reason is crisis management skills. 

My husband and I took Psychology 101 when our oldest child was about a year-old.  It taught us more than any parenting book or class ever taught us.   I really can't tell you how much learning the basic principles of psychology helped us in raising our kids.  It also touched briefly on crisis management skills. 

The 4 phases in any Crisis Management are as follows

1. The diagnosis of the impending trouble or the danger signals.
2. Choosing appropriate Turnaround Strategy.
3. Implementation of the change process and its monitoring.
4. Kill the Ninjas attacking you.

Crisis management becomes increasingly challenging with increased amounts of children.  I call this the "Bladder Factor".  The more bladders involved, the more likely you will need a mop. 

"Ok, everybody go potty before we leave!"

"Why?"

"I don't have to go."

"I just went." (You know, 3 1/2 hours ago…)

Then, the inevitable, calls of:

"I missed."

"I didn't make it and my pants are wet."

"The toilet won't flush."

"Why is the floor all wet?"

This is why the big spray bottle of Simple Green sits out on the counter next to a roll of paper towels.  No, husband, these items will not be put away for at least another 10 years.  That is my bottle of turnaround strategy.

Or we often skip step 1.  As opposed to facing the bathroom, where doom is lurking, many situations spring directly to step 2.  There is just no warning for when someone will get sick, or fall.  That's why my R.S.V.P.s always include: barring illness and injury, we'll be there.  Crisis management is an ongoing learning process. I think once I'm ready to enter the workplace again, I will have to find something that includes crisis management or I'll just be bored.  No more cubicles for me.

My mother always wants to know why I don't place importance on being on time, or even (gasp) early?  Even if I'm late, I still made it.  Did I get to Mass? Yes, check.  Did we have fun and share love with the birthday person? Yes, check. 

Am I the latest?  I don't know, you would have to ask the people who were on time.  But I'm on time more often, and I've never lost a child or had a teacher think I forgot - I've gotten that call only once, but it was the bus driver's fault. 

"Punctuality is the virtue of the bored." -Evelyn Waugh